I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
