WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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