I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
