:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
