Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
