did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
