I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
