I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize