I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
