Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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