i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
