Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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