I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
