Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
