Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
