I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
