sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
