I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize