somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Randomize
