it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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