Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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