so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Randomize
