Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
