I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
