We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
