I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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