mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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