Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
