I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
