Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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