Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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