i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
