the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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