Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
