I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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