Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
