it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
