I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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