Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Randomize