me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
