you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
