i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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