So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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