I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
