Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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