i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
