Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will be naked everywhere
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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