I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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