So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
