Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
