dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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