Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
