I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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