No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So I just went to clothing optional bar
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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