i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
