Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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