How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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