I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
the day after is always just damage control
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
